Be You. Bravely.

All of my life, I have really struggled to KNOW who I am. Throughout my life, I have had friends from every walk of life, some for the better, some for the worse and some for a season. Lately, I have been finding myself thinking of old friends. Some I have lost contact with, some I severed the friendship, others just didn’t work with the stages of life we were in. The things that separated us, long forgotten, or even forgiven through time and maturity. 

I find myself looking through different lenses. I don’t see my old companions through the lens of a child, but through the lens of an adult, a wife, and a mother. Some relationships I look back on with regret. It is sad to see that I lost contact with such wonderful and truly amazing people. Others, I ponder the outcomes of my life, had we stayed connected. Sometimes being thankful for the distance. 

Each friend played a role in making me who I am. They taught me a lesson, showed me a character trait to mimic or avoid. Some broke my heart. Some mended the brokenness. Others came beside me and helped me walk through the journey of life, others fell to the wayside and became passerby's as I journeyed. Some, long forgotten.

I have really always struggled, internally, with who I was. Mostly because I didn’t know who I was, or were to start to find myself. I have always viewed myself as average. A middle of the road kind of person. I played sports, but was never the best or the worst. I was in advanced classes, but was never the top of the class. My hardest effort was just shy of the best. I was always middle, average, backup. I swallowed the jagged little pill and continued to try to be better, even though, I never succeeded at it. 

When I was dating my now husband, I told him very honestly my perspective.  He laughed it off and said I was way more than average. He watched me struggle through high school, then college and then after. He would get frustrated and tell me that I would sell myself short. I just believed he had too much faith in me. 

I have never felt so unsure of myself as I did when I found out I would be a parent.  A MOTHER!!! I would be in control and fully responsible for a tiny, helpless baby. Then a toddler. Then a child. Then a TEEN.  And hopefully, with a lot of luck and prayers, would end up with an adult that would be a kind, compassionate, and a productive human. 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

The journey through pregnancy was rough. How was a mediocre person supposed to raise a child? I wasn’t sure about who I was, or what to do with myself, let alone another helpless person. My husband, on the other hand, had it all figured out. He was going to graduate school. He was getting his Ph.D. He knew who he was, and what he wanted. He knew he would be a good dad, and he is. 

I struggled. I REALLY struggled after my daughter was born. She had several health conditions that made parenting difficult, let alone her stubborn and strong-willed personality. (which we all know she got from her dad, of course) But I kept working hard to do my best and be what she needed. Until I couldn’t anymore. 

I woke up one morning, and realized that I had no idea who I WAS. I knew I was a wife. A mother. A daughter. But who WAS I? What did I like? Did I even like anything anymore? I had spent so much time, and effort, making sure my husband and daughter were taken of, that I had forgotten to take of myself.  I was lost. I had stopped doing things for myself, and was just surviving. Day in and day out, other than a long shower, I had stopped doing things for myself. I was drained. I was exhausted. I was empty in a way, that could only be filled by loving myself.

After this realization, I started thinking about what things I liked. It was hard to even think of things. I liked food. But really, who doesn’t? I liked the sunshine. It was a start. I started taking time to go outside and let the sun warm skin. My bones. My soul. It was a step in the right direction.

Then I started looking at myself physically. I was always in jeans, a t-shirt and sandals. Nothing special. My hair hadn’t changed in over 10 years. My weight was fine. But nothing screamed, “I love who I am” or even “I like who I am”. I thought about who I wanted to be. How my outside could match how I wanted my inside to be.

Who did I want to be? For starters, I wanted to LIKE who I was. Did I even like me? Meh. I really didn’t feel anything about who I was. So I had to create a plan. A plan for a better me.

My Plan: 

1.     Find a motto

2.     Find one thing to like about myself

3.     Do something for myself

First, I found my motto at a moms group I had started attending. Bravely Be You.  It was fitting and exactly to the point. So, everyday, every time I would get all awkward and nervous or I needed some extra courage I would remind myself “Be YOU Bravely”. I struggled with trying to be me, since I had lost connection with myself, but it was a start. A great start.

Secondly, I tried to find something about myself that was more than average. I had really began falling in love with motherhood. My daughter’s medical issues were getting straightened out and parenting was becoming fun and exciting, instead of hard ALL OF THE TIME. I really started embracing being a mother. The good, the bad, the messy. All of it. I loved being a mom. It was a start to finding myself.

Thirdly, I had to find a way to “treat myself”. My mom stepped in, seeing me struggle for a while, and offered me a day at the salon and a new outfit, to get out of my post baby wardrobe. 

It was a no-brainier. The first thing I did, was chopped off all of my hair. I cut over 13 inches off. I had always secretly admired the girls who got those sexy-Bad ass pixie cuts. So, I went for it- well, sort of. I hacked it off, not quite a pixie, maybe a really long pixie if you squinted, or a really short bob. But I did it. It was freeing. It was like I had shed my past, my “lost self”, and regained a confidence I am not even sure I ever had.  But wow. It felt good. I felt brave. I felt sexy. I felt new.

The next thing I did was buy some sexy red pants, and some new red lipstick to go with my new hairdo. Stupid I know. But it empowered me. I had a new haircut, new red lips and some red skinny jeans. I was a new woman!

And yes, I realize how silly I sound, and how stupid this is, but it really set the tone for me falling in love with the woman I am. I took three small steps, and it opened a way for me, to find ME. And start learning to love myself.

My husband, my mom and best friends srated to see the changes. They saw a happier me. A more confident me. They saw me in love. In love with my path in life. With my role as a mother. With loving myself. The saw an awakening and it was wonderful. 

My daughter is really beginning to express who she is. She just turned 3 and is every-bit sure of herself as the next person, if not more. She is incredibly social. And has been begging for “friends”. If we leave the house, she want so go to Sunday school to see “friends” or soccer or even the store. She has zero nervousness and awkwardness and never has self doubt. She is strong, confident and brave.

 Watching her be so eager to have friends, and enjoying them, has me reminiscing about the past and about my old friends. I wonder if we all were lost. Or if I was the only one. I look at how they have evolved and how their lives have turned into beautiful love stories, exciting journeys and epic battles. Did they have to find themselves too? Have we all fought these internal battles, or just a lucky few? 

It has been a long process, and trust me, I am still pretty mediocre but I love who I am. I am constantly trying to do better, and be better. I have a little person watching me (about to be two little people), soaking in everything I do. And she reflects that back to me. If I am unsure in myself, she echoes that back. So every day I try to be better. Braver. Stronger. Every day I try to Be ME. Bravely. 

How can you be brave today? How can you BE you Bravely?